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The Narcissist Discard - Aint yer mama's broken heart.

It's Just a Break Up - You should just get over it.

You might be sitting there wondering—what in the hell just happened?  You might have been lucky enough to have gotten the enraged outburst that would give your brain some sort of reasoning as to why your significant other just dumped you.  If you are like me, I literally had my marriage ended in a text.  One minute it was I love yous and miss yous, the next it was a demand for divorce and we are done! The classic Narcissistic Discard. Walk away, ghost, abandon. I was with him for 7 ½ years, married for 3, and broken up within about 27 words.  I was discarded like a piece of trash. No further emotions were exchanged from him. It was like the switch was flipped, and everything went dark. Mine came because I started asking just a few too many questions and also accidentally learned he was with the old supply.  I am gonna call her "old" cause she just so happens to be his ex-wife (even though technically speaking she is the "new supply").  Yeah—the crazy woman made it out once and chose to go back.  Though I don’t understand why—I am doin my best to not to judge her either.  I mean—you do you Boo.

However, that is not why I am here.  Yeah, I have a gotrillion opinions of him and her and all that that entails, but I am not here to drive their names into the ground. What I do want to do is point out the difference between a normal break-up and that of one with a narcissist.  This “break up” is not one that you are just going to “get over”; it is not one that you are going to feel sad from for a couple of weeks and then be sporting a new lover soon after.  Anyone who is trying to encourage this also does not quite understand the difference either.

Congratulations, you are now the proud recipient of a little trauma bond, maybe some C-PTSD, and a whole plethora of WTH moments you have yet to realize you just lived through, or worse yet, might still be in the midst of.  These words, along with gray rocking, gaslighting, mirroring, isolation, and so many more, meant very little to you not too long ago, right?  I am guessing you have spent a few hundred hours in the last little bit scrolling through your social media, watching reels and shorts, and reading articles about Narcissistic Abuse and are still trying to really determine if you might be the victim of it.   In my search for understanding, I noticed that everyone was saying the same thing repeatedly.  That left me lost and looking for more, though.  I wanted someone to talk to me like I was human – NOT one of a million.  I engaged in support groups that, in the beginning, did help.  I no longer felt as alone.  However, I quickly realized that was taking me further into my pit of despair.  People constantly shared their stories, and it nauseated me to see how many “me too” and “my story exactly” responses followed.  Holy Heck what in the world is happening here?  This realm of psychological babble didn’t exist to me just mere weeks ago, and now I am learning it literally walks around in several different forms. 

So, let me give you a breakdown. First and foremost, the term: Narcissist is used way too freely.  I know I have been guilty of it, too.  Especially when I divorced my first husband.  His selfish ways just made him a jerk, not a narcissist.  Bosses that have been overbearing or acquaintances that were a bit too much into themselves, again…just jerks.  A true Narcissist suffers from childhood trauma.  Something happened to them that stunted their emotional growth.  They have the rational and coping skills of that stunted age going forward in their life.  And because like most tiny humans, they are not experienced or mature enough to process much of life’s ups and downs.   I am not going to go into the scientific definitions and aspects.  There are countless other places that Google can point you towards if you are looking for that information.  In a nutshell, you are likely dealing with a 5-10 year old in a much older person’s body.  They have learned coping skills; they have learned the tips and tricks of how to function in a world that doesn’t seem to understand how vulnerable they are.  They have zero ability to feel, engage, or embrace emotions or empathy other than usually anger and self-loathing.  “Duncan” used to tell me he felt seething mad all the time.   He told me he hated everyone and did his very best to mask it all.  HA!  Look, he’s a self-diagnosed Narcissist.  On one hand, I am mortified; on the other, I feel a deep sense of pity for him.  Damn…what a sad, sad life—I escaped, he is stuck in it forever.

I know everything happens for a reason, but wth?

Anyway, once you realize that they are just children, things all seem to make sense or at least more digestible.  The biggest arsenal in their toolbox is MIRRORING.  They study people.  Every interaction with them is “education”.  Much like that of an autistic person, they have to be taught social norms.  They have to be taught that when someone is crying, one should act in a way that shows compassion.  “Duncan” was a world-class actor in this realm.  I felt heard and understood, and he truly was the person I went to for all of my emotional validation.  If I was happy – he acted happy, too.  If I was sad, he acted like he would help me fix the problem.  If I was angry –well, then, of course, he was angry too.  Unless I was angry at him, that is a whole other story for another time.

In all of my searching for information, I couldn’t find anyone who would give me a lowdown on the real stuff.  Everyone starts screaming to go “no contact” and cut off all communication.  Glowup and Blowup, be better than them.  You don’t need them.  You are going to be fine.   No one’s talking about the pain that is so deep in your chest that you are sure an actual knife wound would hurt less.  By now, the plastic definitions are part of your daily vocabulary. They are great, but they are not touching your soul. 

I am a fairly intelligent person and can determine that I am probably going to be okay.  I can read the steps I need to take to ensure that.  I have read the how-tos and skimmed through the countless stories of Happiness after heartbreak, but no one is really talking about those gray areas.  The days that you can’t get out of bed.  The days that you manically pack for 5 hours straight, removing anything they even looked at from your home.  They don’t talk about the hours you spend staring at the same photo of them, wondering what in the hell you did wrong to not be enough.  No one is talking about the fact that up until a few moments ago, this person was your “PERSON.” 

Now I am sitting here with the proverbial bullet hole in my chest, and he is holding the very gun that just shattered me.   He does not deny it; in fact, he’s quite proud of his sharpshooting skills.  Boasting that I was a weak and easy target. 

For the last bit (in my case, 7 ½ years), you’ve been silently gaslighted and manipulated to believe you NEEDED them.  You are nothing without them.  Let me guess: prior to them, you considered yourself to be a strong, independent, and high-achieving person.  You had ambitions, and they clicked perfectly in the beginning.  They, too (through mirroring), shared those same aspirations.  Now, you feel lost and without direction; you’ve spent the last few years building a future with someone who had zero intentions of following through on those promises. 

The narcissist just took away all of your validation, so you have no freaking clue who you are.  You are utterly and epically --- LOST.  You want nothing more than that person who just put a bullet in you to swing open that front door, come rushing to your side, and tell you that they were just kidding; of course, they love you and want you.  DISCLAIMER: If they do this, please don’t fall for it; it is a trap.  These feelings, though, are NORMAL.  You are still madly in love with that person.  Your brain is telling you that they don’t exist, your brain is trying to convince your soul that it was all lies, and because you’ve been telling both your brain and your soul that this person was ABSOLUTELY amazing and perfect in every way – well, it is natural that your emotional well-being is a tiny bit muffed up.  Cut it a little slack.  Clearly, the information channel is experiencing a technical difficulty with all of the new information.

Welcome to one of the many facets of trauma bonding.  You are not stupid.  You are not weak.  You are not unworthy.  You are simply locked in a glass box, and it is going to take you a bit to break from that bondage.  So sit down, cross your legs, take a deep breath and rest.  I know it hurts.  I know you don’t understand.  I know you feel all alone.  All these things are okay.  Just rest for a minute. 

God’s not done with you yet.  God hasn't discarded you. If he did, you wouldn’t be alive to read this.  So now go fish out your most comfiest granny panties and suit up.   You have some work to do.  First thing….go shower.  No, really – I can smell you from here.  While you are in the shower, maybe throw the sheets in the wash. That’s it…sheets and shower.  Since you probly have to wait for the sheets to dry, that might be a good time to put some sort of food in your face.  I lived on frozen pizza for two weeks.  If you have a craving for toast and peanut butter, then eat that.  That is ok, but you HAVE to eat something.  Drink some water.  Okay, now you are clean and have eaten and drank something.  Good job, you can go back to bed. 

Of course, if you have babies that depend on you, you don’t get the luxury of just blocking out the world, and I am by no means trying to tell you to do so.  What I am saying though, is that it is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to do the minimums.  It is okay to have cuddle days and days that maybe the kids get a little more screen time than normal, it's okay for the dogs to snuggle with you on the bed. 

This season is temporary.  Give yourself a minute to just be un-okay.   You likely are feeling like this is so much bigger than you.  You likely don’t give two squats about your job (if you have one), your friends are annoying at best, and anyone who wants to talk about anything other than this travesty is just out of your wheelhouse.  Call in to work. You NEED that job. Tell your friends you love them, you are going to need them too.

You are likely stuck on repeat, retelling your story over and over—literally to ANYONE and EVERYONE who will listen. You are searching for validation. Again…the one person you truly want it from is the one person you will never reach. So tell those you feel like you need to, but then let it rest.

By now, I hope that you have stopped interacting with them. You are exercising gray rocking or no contact. I hope that you are getting ready because tomorrow, my love, you are going to need not only your trusty underpants but also your Superman cape. 


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