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Aspyn Bane blogger writer surviver Narcissist Abuse Recovery

Aspyn Bane

My journey in a nutshell:

I spent 22 years married to the father of my children.  Though our marriage was not perfect, it was not that of abuse or rounds of anger either.   He just didn't share my ambition for life and my desire to live to the fullest.  Our marriage was flat, and I didn't really want to be a part of it anymore.  A wicked divorce that ended with both of us showing our butts (can I even say that here?) and, unfortunately, our children receiving the wrath of our stupidy.  We survived and went our separate ways.  One that took me across the country to a totally different state.

After re-entering the dating world and entertaining the idea of a few guys, I met "Duncan".   He was kind, supportive, fun, and physically active in work, with high ambitions.  I truly thought I had hit the motherload.  This man was good-looking, taller than me (a must), and wooed me from the very beginning.  Our relationship was a match made in heaven, or so I thought.  Even though a few of my friends did not see the great aura surrounding him that I did, I was certain God had answered ALL of my prayers and dropped them in my lap.  I was so hellbent on making him fit into my little mold of perfection that even in the beginning when the red flags were waving, I refused to take notice. 


Our first fallout was on the night of my birthday, and about 30 of my friends were going out to eat and celebrate, but he canceled.  It was about the 20th time he'd flaked on me for various things, about 27  times that he had made me feel less than good about myself and I just decided I was worth more.  That night I told him to pound sand (one of his favorite terms) and I went out with my family and friends and had a really fantastic time!  I didn't speak to him for months.  I continued with my life, not really focused on anything other than myself, a new home, a new job, being with my friends, and just making a place for myself.  I was good.  I do not even remember exactly how we got to talking again....but fast forward a few weeks and we were right back in the relationship.  He was again the handsome prince I had seen in the beginning, only this time it was with FULL force.  OMG--Can we say head over heels in L♥VE!?? 


Fast forward a few years--our life was so perfect.  We had even gotten married.  Mind you, it was just amongst friends at my dining room table, and it was for the sake of my daughter to be able to take part in benefits for school -- I truly did love this man and was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.  We sold my home in the city because his PTSD made it hard for him to live with neighbors so close. I paraded his disability around like a flag.  My mighty husband, the war veteran!  The marine! *insert eye roll here* Yes, we need property and a bagillion-dollar mortgage because he needs space!  


A year later, I learned that the ex-wife was now "the love of his life" again, and the affair had begun with her.  However, because I absolutely LOOOOOVED the life I was living, I loved my new home in the country, I loved that my daughter could live on the property with us, and aside from the affair--I loved this man!  He convinced me that the affair was over; it was not what he wanted, and we were going to make it through it.    For the next two years, my self-worth cratered.  We even began marriage counseling trying to put our life back together.  He continued to shower me with gifts and a great home and life while leading a dual life with her.  He told her that I was his "roommate" and that we were just finishing the house to sell, he'd get his money from it, and then they could be together and live happily ever after.  I was going against everything within my soul to forgive him and try to move past it.  Because I wasn't ready to give up on my fairytale I continued to pretend we were ok. 


Until we were not. 


He was "away" at a treatment center for PTSD when I had my awakening and decided to text a family member of his (one that I had been FORBIDDEN to talk to in the past) and asked if she was aware that we were married?  Her answer, of course, was no, and as the evening progressed, I was encouraged to share this information with the ex-wife (spoiler alert: she didn't know either).  Little did I know that he was NOT at a treatment facility here, but rather was there in another state with her!! 


I got the "discard" text the next morning.  He was done with me.  He wanted a divorce now, like yesterday.  That was the last day he showed ANY kind of emotion to me.  Mind you, before that, it was breakfast in bed, date nights, gifts, and all kinds of pampering.  The man of my dreams had just thrown our marriage and life away in a text.  After that, I was trash.  Of no use.  What made it worse is that I started getting educated on the depth of his lies and my whole world literally collapsed.  There is NOTHING truthful about this man aside from his date of birth and name.  I will not disclose any of the criminal allegations I have, on this site, as I am not the law, and I do not want to hinder any investigation that could take place.  


Who in the hell have I just spent the last seven years of my life with?  This is something I still don't know, and as I am pulling myself out of the depths of hell, I am discovering that no one understands what narcissistic abuse really is until you are living it.  Hell, a few months ago, I didn't even know it existed, let alone that it was happening to me and my daughter.

So here I am-- a middle-aged white woman, abandoned, alone, and lost, just trying to find my place in the world.  I am currently enrolled in school to become a licensed and certified trauma coach.  Not only do I need to find my own footing, but I also want to help others to do the same.  So keep an eye out for those services to become available in the future.  For now, though, I am focusing on one of my greatest personality assets, and that is to be able to see the good in everything.  I am still looking for the smiles, even if they are only found in my 3-day-old pjs and unwashed hair - I am here to share the real talk, not the plastic answers you have seen everywhere else.   This queen is reclaiming her life and dragging you, or anyone who will listen, along with me for the ride!

My X has not formally been diagnosed as having Narcissist Personality Disorder.  I strongly feel like he does have it, as he has about a million of the traits, but I am NOT a person who can make that diagnosis, so please understand that I throw this term around loosely in reference to him.   Within this same thought, the emotional, psychological, and traumatic experiences I have had are those that strongly resemble documented Narcisstic abuse, but without the formal diagnosis of my abuser, I cannot make that claim. 

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